Merry Christmas, Darling.

Probably one of my favorite Christmas songs of all time. Karen Carpenter. An inspiration.

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve..where did the time go?

For the first time ever, I assembled - by myself - all the presents Santa left and put them under the tree. I threw away the boxes and other "evidence". I did all this from the comfort of my own home that I share only with my children.

Yet, somehow, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm committing a sin doing this without Nathan. But what can I do? My mom would disown me if I welcomed him back so easily after all that he'd done to me, and all the constant manipulation. I'd lose everyone's respect and would only be taking three steps back after leaping two steps forward.

I plan on sleeping in. I have worked 25 hours in only two days. What a busy, crazy, stressful past two days it has been for me. I'm going to enjoy the time away from work over the next two days until it's back to the grind on Thursday. So, I'll wait til my sleepyhead monsters awake me with their shouts of joy upon their discovery of their loot.

A much-needed flexeril and a swig of cough syrup and I'm going to bed. It's about that time. My bed as missed me.

Silence!

Beautiful, sweet, uninterrupted silence.

All I hear is the droning hum of the 1980-something dryer doing its due diligence to dry a load of fluffy, pink, glittery clothes.

That moment when the day isn't quite done, but the stress of being a mother of three is starting to subside and I can just actually sit alone with my thoughts for a little while.

I've realized that entering the world of single mom-dom is not so different from being a married mom. In fact, I probably accomplish more. Before, I mistakenly thought I'd get to share these duties 50/50, and would either stress or become discouraged when I saw someone not helping out with the kids..riding the excuse that they "worked all day". Now that it's certain there's no one else to depend on, it's easier without the expectation.

I made a pretty good dinner tonight. Been working hard to get the house back into "ship shape" since he left. The couple of weeks I spent at my moms meant coming home to a huge mess. It's okay, though. It's keeping me occupied.

I have begun to wonder if being single is more suited for me after all. It seems any person I've ever gotten close to is not whom they portray themselves. Perhaps I have deep-rooted trust issues for a reason. What I really need to figure out is what is it about my brain that I keep thinking I need a fixer-upper, only to be so disappointed when they do nothing to change.

Almost Christmas

There's no way that it's less than a week until Christmas.

I'm still wearing shorts and flip-flops.

I'm in no way prepared.

I've gotten my tree up and I've made a few decorations for my home. I've yet to venture into cookie decorating with the kids, but I didn't think time would slip away so quickly, either.

Unfortunately, due to the financial crisis my husband left us in and has so far decided not to help us recover from, there's no possibility of me being able to get the kids anything for Christmas. Don't feel sorry for me, though. They'll be okay - Nana and Pop-pop are providing the "Santa Claus" and they'll be plenty spoiled, I'm sure. I'm not asking for pity at all, just venting that it sucks that not only have I been thrust into this situation, but the timing was a little inconvenient..

Of course, I have more than a lot of people do and plenty to feel blessed about. Above all else, I have my three children. I still get to enjoy their laughter and creativity, mischief and fun..I still get to bathe them and dress them and tuck them into bed..read them a story, sing them a lullaby..I still get to hear and see and touch them. As we all know, at least 20 parents in Connecticut have had these joys violently and tragically stripped from them. It definitely puts any insignificant "struggles" I may have into perspective as there is absolutely nothing worse than that.

Time to start supper. I have a family feed. Thank GOD!

I decided to start this blog to have an outlet of sorts..memorialize my life..go beyond the random ramblings of Facebook..

I guess this would have to be my obligatory "introductory post", if you will.

Of course, if you're already here, chances are you know me somewhat. I'm a mother of three, I work as a waitress, and I'm currently in school -- albeit struggling to finish -- at the Stenotype Institute for court reporting/stenography. I'm in the last speed class (200-225wpm) and finally interning, but am way behind in my regular academics due to attendance issues that are mostly not my fault, but I could have done more to stop it speaking retrospectively. 

As some of you may or may not know, I'm currently separated and beginning the divorce process. I have my reasons, and they're good, but I'm not sure if it's the appropriate time to go into too much detail.  I know the timing is awful, but what can I do? I've got to do what's best for my three daughters, and I wholly believe that I am.

At any rate, it's time to start focusing more on myself and quit allowing negative people to diminish my self-esteem, you know..that whole "life is too short" thing. I realize I actually DO have a lot going on for me and there's absolutely no reason for me to set all that aside. That being said, I've made a few personal goals and I think they should be noted so I am reminded of them anytime an obstacle darkens my path.

• spend more time doing "mommy-ish" things; i.e., cooking, cleaning, story reading..all the things that pure stress prevented me from doing more of pre-separation.
• spend more one-on-one time with Mallory as she's gone through a lot in her little life..she needs more special attention than the little ones.
• spend more time practicing on my machine. I hardly ever do, and if I actually devoted myself to it I could whiz through this program. 
• watch what and how often I eat and squeeze some exercise in here and there. I've already dropped 8 pounds since the separation, just cooking more and avoiding fast food entirely.
• spend more time with friends I'd previously neglected.
• spend more time playing outside with my children.
• find a TV show I can call "my show"

I'm sure there will be amendments later, but I think it's a fine start. I'm not sad at all, really. I'm looking forward to being Stephanie again, and not feeling bogged down by someone else's unrealistic expectations of who I should be. If who I am isn't good enough, then you're not actually in love with me..period.

I think that's enough right now for a first post. I like to ramble a lot, though, so I'm sure this is the first of many.